Twilight Review, or nom nom nom Rob Pattinson

You all asked for it, so here's my take on Twilight. Spoiler alert for any souls without the intelligence to have read the book yet. Poor dears.

First of all, 122 minutes of Robert Pattinson running around onscreen is always a-ok by me. He got even hotter than he was as Cedric Diggory, which, ok, I expected since older is often better for guys. But duuuuude. That smile. That's one complaint about Twilight - he should have smiled more. It's full on devastating whenever he does it, and I really don't think familiarity would breed contempt in this context. I vote Robert Pattinson for one of the 20 men we clone as representatives of the human race. Nom nom . . . ahem.

Right, the movie. I found it absolutely hilarious and lots and lots of fun. Now, a lot of the negative reviews seem to center around the fact that the movie was silly. Children, have you READ Twilight the novel? It is irrepressibly and delightfully silly. Goofy, even. Definitely illogical. It is a veritable primer on what every teenage girl should never ever ever do. And Bella and Edward are the textbook definition of an unhealthy codependent relationship.

Just a refresher on the basic plotline: girl moves to really damp small town in Washington; meets crazy acting but very pretty boy who says lots of things that basically indicate that he's a psychopathic killer with a particular interest in her; she finds this endearing and sexy; she finds out that he is in fact a psychopathic killer AND has super powers AND wants to kill her by mauling her to death; she finds this EVEN SEXIER; she, at age 17, does not tell either of her parents or hightail it out of there; she doesn't even get any nooky out of him and still sticks it out; further hijinks ensue.

Now, I love Twilight the novel. Love love love. But I also love, you know, Wuthering Heights, which is at heart a story about how fortunate the human race is that these two awful people did not manage to reproduce, but has great lines and lots of stormy moors. Mmm, lovelorn people wearing capes and marching around moors. And I love Kill Bill I and II, a tale of a vengeful assassin slicing limbs off people and tearing eyes out of their sockets. While wearing cool clothes. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with being silly. But people were apparently shocked that the silly book they read somehow translated into a silly movie onscreen. I can only suggest that you reread the novel.

Personally, the first 30-45 minutes were pure joy. My cheeks hurt, I was laughing so hard. Bella falling on the ice, Mike trying to get her attention, Jessica's ill-concealed bitchiness, the cuteness and goodness of Taylor Lautner as Jake, the awkwardness of Charlie (although he didn't look right for Charlie to me), the Cullens entering the cafeteria the first time, Edward's brow furrowing as he can't read Bella, the HILARIOUS scene of the first meeting in the science classroom - I always saw the humor in that in the book, I mean it's dark, but it's also so silly. And let's not forget the delicious parallels Meyer draws between wanting to eat Bella and . . . um, eat Bella? And I thought his hot-then-cold "The bus is full" stuff was hysterical. I have personal experience with boys who can't make up their minds and appear to be of the opinion that I may be made of some sort of toxic corrosive substance OR strawberry syrup that never gets sticky. But which one??? Watching them bumble around trying to make up their minds is exactly the way Robert Pattinson played Edward.

The meadow scene sucked. Big time. Also, (this just in) moving really fast does not make the air shatter. I thought the sparkly skin was fine, though - it was much better than I expected and about as good as I think it gets. Ooooh, and I loved the actress who played Victoria. Apparently some people found the guy who played James hot, I just found him terrifying. Which was good, ugh. I liked Alice, especially her pitching the baseball game. I actually totally loved Rosalie, who I never related to much in the books. Shattering the salad bowl was perfect.

What else . . . oh I don't know, ask me questions and share your opinions and I'll tell you what I thought. Bottom line verdict is that I enjoyed it immensely.